Musings

It has been such a long time since I've typed anything here. Life became more "normal" as we settled into our life in CA and to be completely honest, Facebook took over as I did most of our updates there. But today, I came here because I have a lot on my mind that I want to share and Facebook just isn't the place for it.

The last two years have been quite the journey for our family. God uprooted us from Oregon and plopped us down here in CA, 600 miles away from anyone we knew. It was a REALLY tough first year. We had to get used to being a family again, with Jason home in the evenings, on weekends and on holidays (which I'm still trying to get used to. A day off work and still getting paid. That's CRAZY!!) and the homesickness was intense.

One of the first things God did to us here was to shake our faith. In a sense, He slapped us upside the head and said: "WAKE UP!!". I say us because God has been teaching Jason and me very similar lessons the past couple years (go figure). Once we recommitted our lives to Him, He gave us both a strong sense that He was going to use us, that He was going to demand quite a bit from us, but first we needed to get our financial house in order. So we worked on that, so much so that I became obsessed with getting out of debt. Don't get me wrong. Getting out of debt is important and is still the direction we are heading, but especially during the second part of 2009, God started asking us to give in various ways which did not fit my "get out of debt as quickly as possible" scenario. But we did it. I cannot tell you how many times, day after day, I would open my Bible to do my quiet time and God would direct me to a passage on true giving, not the superficial kind, but the kind that really costs you. And then I would upload a podcast not knowing what it was about, and it would be about giving. And then I'd go to church and our pastor did a 6 week series on giving. Ok, seriously! I get it!! And yet God knew that He needed to grind it into my brain because I have a short memory :-). One of the illustrations that I remember the most vividly during this process is from a sermon by Craig Groeschel (http://live.lifechurch.tv). He spoke about three mentalities we can have about giving: a cup mentality, where you give a little here and there, a bucket mentality, where you give quite a bit from what you have left over, and a barn mentality, where you give until it hurts and then you give some more. And I prayed over and over that I would have the barn mentality, that I would be able to give until it hurt and then continue giving.

During this process, I begged God almost daily to show me what He wanted me to do. PLEASE, God, give me a purpose! James was in school half days, Gabby was home with me and I was going stir crazy! I needed something to do, but God kept saying wait. I was sooooo frustrated, but kept getting the same message: "Not now. Wait." Oh, the frustration, but I waited, because I knew that if I started something when God was saying wait, it wouldn't end well. I knew this because I'd tried it a few times before ;-).

About mid-November, an idea of a way to serve was planted in my head, but again, WAIT. I knew I needed to wait until after Christmas to make a decision on this particular thing, so I waited. When we got back from Oregon, I was listening to another podcast (LOVE life church, btw. Very inspiring sermons). I can't remember at all what the sermon was about, but the whole "barn giving" picture came back and I knew what I needed to do. It was clear as day, so I picked up my phone and texted my friend Sara and asked her to call me. She called me right away and I told her that I would watch her two kids twice a week for free. I knew it was what I was supposed to do, but after a few days, I started getting cranky about it. After all, this was MY time, MY life and I could be getting a job or something. Then I had to laugh. Did I really think that I could have a barn mentality and not feel the pinch? Even now, I think that's hysterical, but without realizing it, I had built this image in my head that I could feel good about being a sacrificial giver, without feeling the sacrifice :-). I started watching the kids the first week of January and it has turned out to be much easier and rewarding than I expected. Gabby loves having Elise (age 4) to play with and Ian (almost 2) is a doll!

This morning, I was thinking again about getting a job. It's really hard for me to "feel" my value when I don't bring in any money. Crazy I know, because what I do here at home is important, but it's the natural highways in my brain that continue to take me back to "get a job". Anyway, again, I got the message "WAIT". Then I talked to my neighbor, who is heading out of town for a week for her grandpa's funeral. She asked me if I could take her daughter for a few hours every afternoon, so her husband, who will be working from home during this time, can get some work done. Um, GULP, ok. And then it hit me. This is what God had in store for me, at least for now. This is what He has been prepping me for. To be His hands and feet in day to day situations. To show His love to those around me. One of the other things I'm working on right now is arranging meals and help with errands for a stay at home mom who home-schools her six kids and is having a hysterectomy on Monday. All it costs me is a bit of time on the phone, some cooking time and a bit of driving back and forth. I consider that bucket giving, but if I had closed my ears to God, if I had stubbornly gotten a job to make myself feel better, I would not have been available to do that. I thank Him for making Himself so clear and I am humbled that He is using me despite all of my many weaknesses.

One of the other reoccurring fights I've had with myself has been my desire to sell our van. I have revisited this issue over and over. It would free up money in our budget. It would get us out of debt sooner, but every time I seriously considered it, it didn't feel like the right decision. Now, all the seats in the van are being used. Oh, and every car seat we have, including the extra 2 we had in the garage and couldn't seem to give away, are being used. Why couldn't we give away our car seats when we tried? Hmm, I wonder ;-).

I am truly blessed, and I can't wait to see where God leads us next. And in the mean time, pass the tylenol. These kids are loud! :-).